I try not to let it go to my head or anything but I get fan mail. Email technically. Like just last week a sweet reader just sent a note saying she missed HOB and asked me to start blogging consistently again soon. Cute right!? But it didn’t really touch my heart like like gem I woke up to the other day:
“First off, your emoticon should portray your ass being enlarged vs.your head as depicted. Since you had Harper, your ass is competitive with some of the best TVs out there. Just keeps getting wider and wider… You should really revamp your tag line as ghetto face polish representative because that’s about all you are. Now go focus on making your ass smaller.”
I didn’t want to rub it in, the fact that I get fan mail and you don’t, but I do so there!
Awkward transition alert!
How cute are my kids? Answer: Very! October 29th was Everly’s first birthday. Here’s a look at her on her actual birth day a year ago and then on her birthday yesterday! Question: Why don’t they call the moment you’re born your ‘first birthday’ because really it is which actually makes your 1st birthday your second one. Oddly, it’s sort of a day without a name that we just call the ‘day you were born’ or ‘when you arrived.’ Whatever. I need to speed this up so I can get it all out while I’m enjoying a 2 child nap.
Aside from learning your child inside and out and being able to predict their next moves as though they were your own, the other interesting thing about being a parent is how you start to understand how crappy you were to your parent friends when you didn’t have kids and they did. Which leads me to my apology to all of my friends who had kids before me and had to endure my crappy, thoughtless behavior. Sorry ladies and thanks for sticking with me.
I’m sorry I judged you when you talked about how busy you were. When a non-mom hears a mom talk about being ‘busy’ or ‘tired’ they’re always like, ‘oh me too’ and yes we’re all overworked, under-vacationed, insomniac zombies who aren’t rested enough to live a normal life. I get it. BUT (and it’s a BIG BUT here), not having kids means having the option to sleep in. You don’t have little people who need you to get your ass up to feed, diaper, and entertain them at inappropriate hours like 6:30am on a Sunday. So I’m sorry for the eye rolls when you said you were tired and I was like, ‘bitch, take a number’ because what I know now is that my (then) life of dog walks, facials, and blogging really wasn’t all that taxing after all.
I’m sorry I told you that your kids were of course welcome to come over too but then secretly wished they’d just go away after about 20 minutes. Of course you welcome kids over too! Bring them along! This will be fun, I love kids! But then on the inside I was like, children go away so I can have real conversation and actual fun with your parents. It’s crazy now to think about how gracious my friends were who brought their kids over to my house knowing it was so sterile without toys or activities for their kids. I know now how stressful it is to have your kids somewhere that isn’t all that kid-friendly so you have to balance looking like you’re engaged in the adult stuff with entertaining your kids who are understandably bored.
I’m sorry I didn’t actually care about your kids milestones, birthdays, or other achievements. Your kid craps in a toilet now? Yawn! Oh your son won his little league championship? Zzzzz. It’s not that I didn’t care, it’s that I didn’t understand what those things meant for those kids, or my friends, or that family in general. Every child’s accomplishment is actually one for the whole family which is why I even cry at my girl’s birthday parties. I know now what it takes to lift them up to that next level of life no matter how insignificant it seems.
I’m sorry I thought you were the lamest person ever when you planned activities around napping. This is because when you don’t have kids you think about napping in adult terms, like my kids take naps because they’re just bored and dozed off watching football highlights on the couch. I know now that my friends weren’t planning outings around nap time for only the kids, they were also doing it for me. When we’re out and miss naps, Harper acts like a drunk at a bar who’s looking for a fight. I can see her scan the room looking for things to destroy and it’s our fault damn it. I now know that sleep deprivation shuts off what little rational thoughts kids have so napping is the most essential way you can create normal, loving children who are enjoyable to be around.
I’m sorry I gagged at their messy faces when I was forced to eat a meal around your kids. Well I’m sort of sorry about this one so this one because leaving our girl’s faces painted with food throughout the whole meal isn’t something we do. Wipe as you go, people. It’s easier and it teaches them a skill they’ll need sooner than later so they aren’t the messy-faced kid at school. That said, I literally used to ask for a different table in a restaurant whenever they’d sit us next to a child that looked like they’d eventually be fed something green from a jar. I just couldn’t sit near them. Then I’d be all like- ‘you should have a kid’s section’ and ‘why are kids out in general society anyway?’ Yea, sorry about that.
What I know now is that when you don’t have kids, there really isn’t a way to understand them as completely as when you do. Other people’s lives always look weird from the outside and there’s nothing that looks more strange, confusing, miserable, and confronting like seeing your friends in their new role as a parent. To my child-free friends; sleep in, go out, be reckless, travel, and do it up. As long as you don’t talk about how busy you are…