How to Create the Perfect Real Housewives Cast

Are you Housewives obsessed? Anything on Bravo is typically a win for me (except for RHO Miami which I just can’t get into), so I’ve had some time to think probably too deeply about what it takes to cast a show filled with such crazy unique and interesting women. Apparently being in your 40’s or 50’s gives you the best shot at being cast, it’s more interesting to watch women who have some life experience behind them. Too many young girls and you’re watching The Batchelor, but if they’re too old then it’s The View.

Age aside, I’ve noticed that in a cast of 6 or 7 there are specific ‘roles’ from city to city that need to be filled in order for the franchise to be just that- a franchise. The formula is successful because it’s carefully replicated from city to city so there’s a familiarity in the group dynamic with these personalities that will inevitably stir up drama and create those quotable moments that we’ve come to expect. If there isn’t enough over the top stuff going on, then we feel like we’re watching paint dry and the show dies which is what happened with D.C. You need that spice.

Random amazing idea: I think they should do a ‘wife swap’ where Nene goes to NY and Bethenny is in the ATL, or they send Carole to the OC and Tamera to NY. Totally dying to watch that mess go down. I really am giving this whole thing way too much thought.

Anyway, here’s the perfect RH cast breakdown. Which one are you? I’d like to think that I’m a Yolanda with a little Nene sprinkled in, but I’m probably more a Tamera.

The One Who Doesn’t Get It: No you can’t get through to her because she’s better friends with denial than she is with you. Sometimes it’s funny (Alexis Couture!) but it can often teeter on sad (Kim’s recent descent.) I’d have so much more compassion for Teresa if she were more truthful about her fears in the face of something really scary that was happening. You got the impression that she didn’t even know she was going to jail because she was so completely tone deaf to the severity of it all. Frustrations aside, Jersey wouldn’t be worth watching without her.

The Reasonable One: She’s a reliable friend who’s on the right side of most arguments and typically says what I want to say. They’re usually the ones to point out how crazy a situation really is, and help the show to be more relatable. This is a tough one because she has to be grounded yet assertive enough to get in the mix a little bit. They all start off a little too buttoned up, but as the seasons go on they learn to let go enough to be interesting and let their opinions fly. (Kandi has nailed it from the start.)

The Star: Likable, biting, fun, and (at times), the only person worth watching. It’s the name you know even if you don’t watch the show and the person who is making money even if RH didn’t exist.

The One You Want to Be Friends With: She reminds you of your own BFF in the best and worst ways possible. She’s usually laughing, often at you.

The Trainwreck: Some I like watching, others I don’t (that would be you Shannon dragging your kids into your husband’s affair), but either way their purpose is to add the spice and storylines the show needs to exist. Kenya manages to balance out her craziness with some sincere moments so she’s great TV, but the one note antics from Brandi proved to be unrelatable and off base with the show which ultimately cost her the job. (I’ve met Ramona BTW, and her craziness is 100% authentic.)

The One Who Needs to Go: My friend has this theory that you’re either a fun producer, fun reducer, or fun consumer. These are the reducers. The seat fillers, the ones who act as a sounding board for conversations in other people’s plots because they typically don’t have anything interesting of their own going on. Oddly enough, they do share a commonality of being married or engaged to a complete douche, which is even less appealing to watch. They’ll be around for a season or two, but they’re never permanent.